Fast-Acting Tories Save World From Fearsome Outbreak Of Suicide Bombers Armed With Exploding Printer Accessories

From now on, it's tough tits if your printer runs out halfway across the Atlantic

Resolute home secretary Theresa May emerged from a top-level COBRA security meeting today to announce that the safety of the skies of the world was now assured, thanks to an immediate ban on passengers flying from UK airports with a cumbersome toner cartridge crammed into their hand luggage.

She added that the lethal office consumables would also be banned from cargo compartments and airfreight flights unless they originated from a reputable shipper, such as UPS, or had a combined weight of casing plus explosive of less than 500g.

Meanwhile, the prime minister told MPs after the meeting that it really was about time the world woke up and did something about terrorism.

“It is clear we must take every possible step to work with our partners in the Arab world to cut out the terrorist cancer that lurks in the Arabian peninsula," said Mr Cameron, although he skilfully refused to be drawn on whether ‘cutting out terrorist cancer’ might possibly involve a bloody invasion and fruitless ten-year occupation of Yemen.

Airlines, however, have reacted with dismay to the prospect of yet another layer of intrusive pestering of their customers.

"What happens, particularly in the coverage of the Yemeni issues of recent days, is that we have another huge lurch by the ‘securicrats’ into making travel even more uncomfortable and an even more tedious ordeal for the travelling public," warned Ryanair chief executive Michael O’Leary.

“That’s my job,” he asserted indignantly, revealing that he was in talks with Boeing about strengthening the cabin roofs of his 737 fleet to allow the suspension of his cheapskate passengers by their thumbs for the hellish duration of their flights.