Haggard Britons Demand End To Tiresome Sum Ordeal

Facing once more the twice-yearly ordeal of trying to reset their alarm clocks, ovens, watches and cars to GMT, a hopelessly-confused British public renewed calls for the government to abolish the hated British Summer Time forever, before somebody’s brain tragically exploded.

“Do I, like, have to add one or take away?” howled a tear-streaked Sammi-Jo Bloggs, dropping her randomly-set collection of timepieces off at the council tip. “And why is it daylight? I can’t possibly be expected to do a sum every few months for the rest of my life. I’m talking to a solicitor first thing in the morning about compensation, yeah for like mental cruelty innit. If tomorrow is Monday, jenotameen? Is it?”

Horrible middle-class twerp Marcus Fellows sobbed in agreement, as he struggled to remove the dashboard of his Espace with an axe.

“The government ought to get its sodding act together and provide every last person in Britain with free radio-controlled clocks and watches,” he screeched. “And I want payment for the extra hour they’re forcing on me, too. I didn’t bloody ask for it. Call this democracy? You must be bloody joking, pal. I don’t remember Cameron putting this in his manifesto.”

“And another thing. If I live to be eighty - which I don’t think is an unreasonable expectation, since I don’t live in the North, thank God - they’ll have cut my life short by more than three days,” he added angrily. “You can bet your bottom dollar, matey, I’ll be wanting hefty compensation for that.”