Bishop Of Lewes Urges Church Traditionalists To Step Up Spitfire Production

Gunsights can be adjusted from A to GG, says the bishop

Speaking at the Reform conference of conservative Anglicans today, the Rt. Rev. Wallace Benn, Bishop of Lewes urged clergy and laity opposed to the ordination of women bishops to speed up the production of Spitfires, the issuing of gas masks and the conversion of altars into Morrison shelters.

"I feel very much increasingly that we're in January of 1939,” the bishop told other Church of England traditionalists who believe that testicles and a penis are absolutely essential to the proper exercising of diocesan duties. “What we must not do is create a phoney war, but we need to be aware that there is real serious warfare just around the corner. It's actually arrived in some places already.”

“If we do not have enough Spitfires flying round-the-clock patrols over every bishopric,” he warned, “There is every likelihood that specially-trained women in pastel-hued vestments might parachute into the midst of our flocks, laying into us with their matching croziers and gassing on about drawing parables from The X Factory, or whatever it may be."

At this point, the bishop - who is due to retire in two years - suddenly caught sight of a tea lady entering the room and dived for cover beneath a table shouting, “Put that bloody bint out!”

Campaigners with breasts were predictably outraged by the bishop’s comments, but his office later issued a statement pointing out that his “Churchillian” speech at no point actually mentioned Hitler or the Nazis.

“Although, compared to a woman, even Hitler would have made a half-decent bishop,” pointed out a spokesman. “At least he had one ball.  And when you think of Hitler, you're not distracted by an enormous pair of norks wobbling in front of your eyes.”

"Or if you are, that is a matter entirely between you and your Creator," he added.