'I Had To Do Something So I Arrested An MP For No Readily Apparent Reason,' Claims Former Police Chief

Former Metropolitan Police Assistant Commissioner Bob Slow has defended his raid on MP Damian Green's office in 2008, claiming that he barged into the Palace of Westminster - where he had no jurisdiction - and unlawfully arrested the MP for no other reason than an urge to do something.

"Wot you got to remember, right, is that we got wind of some naughty leaky person up to no good, tellin' the papers wot the 'ome Seckitry - gawd bless 'er - wuz up to an' that," said the former national co-ordinator of counter-terrorism. "All we really knew right wuz that someone or maybe more than one person - oo knows, it could easily of bin 'undreds of the buggers - wuz prepared to 'alf-inch documents from the 'ome Seckitry's private orifice safe an' intercept 'er letters to the prime minister."

"But I wuz facked if I could figger aht oo it wuz, an' I was getting' narked, right," added Mr Slow. "So in all the excitement of gettin' the boys tageva right I must of clean forgot I dint 'ave no right to go chargin' in there, an' befaw the red haze cleared I only went an' arrested some random 'erbert. Ah wuz I ta know the little sneak 'ad a 'idden camera in 'is office, filmin' evryfink? Cor, 'e made me look a right twat, dinee?"

"Ironic, innit? I arrest one politician wot nobody never 'eard of befaw, an' everyone 'ollers blue murder," he reflected. "Now we all know they wuz on the fiddle, the 'ole bleedin' lot of 'em, faw donkeys years - an' all but three of 'em gits orf scot-free."

"Y'know, praps if I 'adn't of made a tit of meself over all that, oo knows? I might of not got the 'oof later, after I waved a top secret file in front of the world's press," deduced the former ace policeman, as he toddled off to the Jobcentre to sign on. "Funny old world, innit?"

Meanwhile, his former employers once again demonstrated their legendary dedication to justice by finally admitting that they kept quiet for 31 years and did nothing - and will continue to do nothing - about an internal cover-up to protect the Special Patrol Group officer who got away with murdering anti-fascist protester Blair Peach.