Britain exploded in fury yesterday, after discovering to its horror that prime minister Gordon Brown may have a grumpy side to his normally sunny disposition.
A dear, sweet little old lady on her way to buy 200 tins of cat food was seized by a Labour party worker called Sue and dragged in front of the leering PM and 200 TV cameras, where she was told to read out a card saying: "Mr Brown, you are the best Labour leader since that nice Mr Attlee."
When, to Mr Brown's horror, the little old lady suddenly turned into an evil, cackling witch, he leapt into his car and hid - forgetting to switch off a microphone given to him by Rupert Murdoch, which picked up the following conversation:
BROWN: That was a disaster. Now I look like a man who's afraid of witches. Who arranged that?
MR BROWN'S KEEPER: I er um -
BROWN: I bet it was that bloody bitch Sue. She's always had it in for me. I bet she's a Sun reporter under deep cover. She needs to have an accident. Arrange it. I hate old people. They smell of wee, and they're always moaning. Never let old people near me again. If I ever see another old person I'm going to kill them, do you hear me? I hate them. Cackling at me like that. They're all the same. That's my message for today. I'm going to kill your nan.
A chastened Mr Brown later appeared on the Jeremy Whine Show on Radio 2, telling the nation that he had been under a lot of strain lately and had only been trying to express his profound admiration for a woman who flew a Spirtfire in the Battle of Britain, but his words somehow came out all wrong.
Later in the afternoon, Mr Brown was left trussed up on the doorstep of the little old lady's sinister gingerbread cottage in the dark woods, tied to a note saying: "Please wait for Sky News to arrive before punching this sack of shit in the mouth. Signed, Lord Mandelson."
Meanwhile, David Cameron and Nick Clegg both told reporters that witches were at the very heart of their parties' policies, and that they think your old nan is a lovely lady.
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