Britain's shop, Tesco, today lifted the gloom of the recession-hit nation by reporting that its profits had risen by over 10% compared to last year, reaching £3.4bn.
"Hooray for Tesco innit!" cheered impoverished shopper Sammi-Jo Potts, as she added a loaf of Value Range Medium Sliced Chipboard to her trolley-load of Specially Selected Premium Quality Apple-Free Italian Cider. "Wotjer mean, 'ave I got like proof uv age? I got a two-year-old nipa, inniy?"
The world's leading economists are eagerly studying the food and booze retailer's published figures, in a desperate attempt to unlock the holy grail of business: the secret formula for making money in a bankrupt country.
Tesco boss Sir Terry Leahy, meanwhile, smiled enigmatically as he prepared to charge you 50p for a pint of sodding milk.
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