Unemployment Down And Up

Government statistics revealed a massive drop or huge rise in unemployment today, according to which paper you read.

Guardian and Mirror readers were glad to hear that the number of joblesses claiming JSA fell by 32,900 in March, while other papers told their target demographics that the total number without work had risen by a staggering 8% to two and a half million.

"What is going on here is very simple," explained a man with a calculator from the Office of National Socialist Statistics. It is possible - indeed increasingly possible, thanks to recent legislation - to be jobless but not technically unemployed.

"For example, anyone who lost their job a year ago isn't unemployed any more if they live in one of the seventeen worst hellholes in the country - or Employment Action Zones, as we like to call them. Anyone who is sick or disabled isn't unemployed - and once they've been squeezed through the Work Fitness mangle they probably aren't getting any benefits either. If they live with a working partner, they're unemployed but not receiving benefits. On the other hand, if they spend a few hours a week at a disused TA centre being shown how to start up a software package they can't afford, they're not unemployed but they're still signing on at the nearest Jobcentredoubleplusgood and still receiving benefits."

"What could possibly be clearer?" he said with a smile, as his calculator exploded. "Vote Labour."