Talented Musicians Commit Mass Suicide As Orange Chavs Top Young Music Millionaires List

Musicians who have spent years perfecting their musical skills topped themselves across the nation today, after the publication of the Sunday Times Music Millionaires List confirmed that the only talent required for success in today's music industry is the ability to totter out of a nightclub looking like a tramp's fluffer.

In a particularly tragic twist, with an estimated worth of £11m the richest under-30 on the list is Charlotte Church, who used to be genuinely talented until the day she turned 18 and began relentlessly pissing her talent up against the walls of Cardiff's most glamorous venues, pubs and off-licences. Close on her wobbly heels comes tone-deaf Autotune user Cheryl Cole - followed by Katherine Jenkins, a former model who has gained plaudits in the moribund classical sector by yowling her way through the easy bits from operas that footy fans are familiar with.

Meanwhile, by far the richest person on the list, at £1.6bn, is the utterly talent-free head of Warner Music Group, Edgar Bronfman, whose unwelcome arrival in the UK toppled the equally untalented previous chart-topper, former Zomba label boss Clive Calder. Meanwhile, the music-hating Simon Cowell climbed steadily, increasing his personal wealth to £165m.

Britain today resounded to the sound of musical instruments being smashed against the wall by their tearful owners, who then hanged themselves from the nearest tree - leaving tender, bittersweet suicide notes which were eagerly collected by Simon Cowell to be fed into a computer and belted out without a shred of feeling by horrible tarty moppets.