Labour Party On Miliband Suicide Watch

Mr Miliband's expression hasn't changed for hours

The Labour Party and the press were today mounting a 24-hour suicide watch on David Miliband, amid mounting concern that his failure to secure the party leadership may tip him over the brink and send him spiralling into a bottomless pit of depression.

Fears rose after his keynote speech to conference, which saw a broken man shamble listlessly to the podium, staring fixedly at his feet - only to mutter, “I’m fine,” repeatedly until a sympathetic Harriet Harman put a motherly arm around Mr Miliband’s heaving shoulders and walked him offstage.

“Sibling rivalry can cause terrible pressure to succeed and, sadly, David is still in the denial stage,” warned a delegate from the Royal College of Stress Counsellors. “It’s a bitter blow when, one fateful day, you suddenly realise that the irritating little squirt who kept losing your favourite bits of Lego has in fact left you way behind, turning all your years of hard work into a futile waste of your entire life. It would help enormously in his struggle to move on if he’d stop mechanically mouthing platitudes he doesn’t mean and admit that, in his heart of hearts, he desperately needs to see this brother who apparently has everything fall down the nearest manhole.”

Britain’s media are also desperately concerned about Mr Miliband’s mood, with the Times thoughtfully suggesting ten top ways he could top himself and the Telegraph running a sweepstake on which day he will try to check out of this cruel world.