Evil DWP Genius Up To Something Or Other

Mr Duncan Smith aims to recruit an army of poorly-motivated minions

While the British media focused their full attention upon the sheer moral bankruptcy of Ed Miliband’s fuckbuddy relationship, work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith eagerly settled down to flesh out his unobtrusively-approved plans to do unspecified but undoubtedly malevolent things to the nation’s rapidly-filling ranks of paupers.

At a grudgingly-called press conference for the benefit of a couple of late-rising freelance hacks who spotted a minor item on BBC Teletext before it was deleted, a ruffled Mr Duncan Smith strode impatiently up to the rostrum. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, during which he fiddled angrily with his cufflinks and made a show of repeatedly casting exaggerated glances at his watch, he finally snapped, “Well?”

Replying to a timorous request for clarification on exactly how he planned to implement a single benefit for all claimants, the secretary of state jabbed at a button on the podium, causing a trapdoor to open beneath the questioner and drop him into a dusty pit filled with writhing, venomous snakes.

When another journalist hesitantly asked whether it was really possible for one universal benefit to cover all circumstances - citing retirement, degrees of disability and significant geographical variations in the cost of housing and the availability of work - a sudden eruption of razor-edged discs from the walls silently beheaded him and disappeared again.

“Any more questions?” cackled Mr Duncan Smith fiendishly, before escaping in his personal airship en route to a secret prototype Jobcentre buried somewhere deep beneath the snow-swept Himalayan plateau.