Striking Hobbitses Down Tools In Shire

Negotiations left hobbit reps feeling rather disappointed

Last-minute talks between hobbit leaders and the race of men have broken down, according to reports coming out of the Shire. The rural backwater is expected to descend rapidly into chaos, as militant hobbits withdraw their labour and spend all day in the pub.

Discussions broke down when the wise Lord Peter of Bree – who has been trying without success to hire non-unionised hobbitses – threatened to transport the Shire in its entirety to Middle Europe. Hobbit representatives promptly stumped out of the meeting, although they had to ask one of Lord Peter’s men to open the door for them as none of them could reach the handle.

“Lord Peter do refuse to give us minimum guarantees of wages or working conditions,” the hobbitses’ main negotiator, Bilbo Baggins, told waiting scribes. “Us hobbits’ve got no objection in principle to working with dwarves, as long as they shares their gold with us, but clearly dragons do raise all sorts of health and safety issues which we feel haven’t been properly addressed.”

Lord Peter, meanwhile, warned that if he magically uprooted the Shire to Central Europe, a terrible drought would fall upon Middle Earth.

“First there will come a terrible drought of American money-giants, as I am the sole dreamweaver in the entire realm,” he predicted. “Then another drought, more direful even than the first, will blight the land as thousands of happy wandering gnomes from far across the oceans decide not to bother with the long and arduous journey to these picturesque shores any more. Eventually, only the nibblesome sheep will remain. Hearken; for I, Lord Peter, have foretold this.”

Meanwhile, in the Shire, hobbitses put their big hairy feet up and settled down, dismissing rumours that Lord Peter might, in his anger, send sorcerous flying machines to destroy their irrigation dams.

“He’m been a-gassin’ about that afore,” said old Gaffer Gamgee dismissively, on the picket line barring access to the toll road into the Shire. “Well, oi tells ‘ee, oi’ll believe they when oi sees they.”