JK Rowling Threatens Daniel Radcliffe With Lifetime Of Playing Pubescent Magician

Scientists say Harry Potter will look like this by the time he enters the sixth form, in 2067 or thereabouts

The actor Daniel Radcliffe, 21, is being restrained by friends after hearing that squillionaire word assembler J.K. Rowling is now threatening to assemble yet more words into simple sentences and put them inside covers bearing the name ‘Harry Potter’ in big shiny print.

Ms Rowling issued her ugly threat to Oprah Winfrey in front of millions of viewers, easily pleasing legions of unimaginative semi-literates by confirming that she could actually remember the bland, two-dimensional clichés with whom she has filled four books and two doorstops.

Literature’s foremost word assembler reminisced that she had initially met with rejection after rejection from hoity-toity publishers who arrogantly clung to the elitist notion there might be more to the art of writing than simply adding one word to another until you run out of A4.

“But the ultimate proof that I am with no doubt the talentedest user of words ever what the world has ever knew,” she laughed, “Is gathering interest in my bank account.”

Asked by a respectful Oprah how many more Harry Potter books she might generate, Ms Rowling suggested that she was considering the possibility of assembling a single but everlasting book, which would be delivered to bookshops chapter by chapter at £10 a pop. The film, she added, could be made simultaneously, with the latest reels delivered to cinemas as soon as they were made.

Meanwhile, Mr Radcliffe - who has been desperately trying to break into acting roles which do not force him to wear geeky glasses and pretend to have no genitals - is said to be assembling sentences of his own, all of them containing the word ‘fuck’.