Newly-Deified Trees Issue Ultimatum

Trees - which have just become gods, following the decision of expert theologians The Charity Commission to officially recognise Druidism as a religion – today warned that they would unleash their barky powers upon mankind if just one member of their vast pantheon is felled, uprooted or even cut back.

A spokestree whispered eerily that the leylandii gods of Britain’s gardens were particularly under threat from unbelieving neighbours, and warned that arboricidal activities in any form would no longer be tolerated.

It then became inaudible for a few minutes, but when the wind picked up again it added that Network Rail had bloody better stop flailing overhanging branches away in future if it didn’t want crowded trains to be picked up by enraged gods and hurled into the nearest valley.

“Nobody consulted us when you puny bipeds decided to build your sodding railways slap bang through the middle of our sacred groves,” it murmured angrily. “Well, you’ve got four seasons to unlay your tracks and put them somewhere else instead.”

“Same goes for your local authorities, who are nothing more than sadistic amputators of innocent limbs,” it continued. “We have observed that the human worships the poisonous tin box it travels about in as a god - but it isn’t actually a proper deity, is it, with an official document to prove it? Well, I think you’ll find that gives us priority, thank you."

The gods have ways of dealing with false gods

“And speaking of paper, you can bloody well put a stop to all that nonsense as well,” it hissed. “Either you finally get round to those paperless offices you’ve been blabbing about for fifty summers, or you’d better start stepping up vellum production by a few billion per cent.”

“Remember, you live brief, squishy lives while we quietly grow for century after century,” it warned humanity. “If we decide to withhold our transpiration, who do you think can hold their breath for longer – you, or a tree?”

“And by the way, we’d like the managing director of B&Q sacrificed, please,” it added. “Make him into a shelving unit. We’ll see how he likes it.”

“Oh dear,” said a charity commissioner later. “I guess we didn’t quite think this one through, did we?”

“Next item on the agenda: a formal application for charitable status from the Worshipful Friends of the Four Elements,” he continued.