Miliband Becomes Transcendant Manifestation Of The Sum Of All Hopes And Fears

Newly-elected Labour leader Miliband Two ceased to exist as a physical being of flesh and blood this morning, as the Sunday papers flopped through the letter-boxes of the nation, and transcended to a state of pure thought comprised of the sum total of hopes and fears projected onto him by the nation’s editorial writers and therefore, by extrapolation, the entire British public.

Mr Miliband is now capable of radiating confidence beyond the visible spectrum

Humbled party conference delegates who witnessed the transformation state that he became suffused with a shimmering light as he ascended to the podium, which seemed to touch all present with rainbow-hued shafts of pure love before a column of blinding brilliance burst through the ceiling directly above him. As the party faithful rubbed their eyes, they saw to their amazement that Mr Miliband’s body had vanished, to be replaced by a floating translucence crackling with blue sparks.

As they fell to their knees in adoration, they each felt, rather than heard, a voice telling them, “Thank you for your first and second preferences. Now all that earthbound carpetbagging for the union vote has passed safely beyond the temporal veil, it is appropriate to say that…”

Those privileged to be present at the transmogrification disagree on what the otherworldly being said next, however.

Elderly delegates and hacks in the employ of Rupert Murdoch both insist that the being promised a full return to the founding socialist principles of the Labour movement, while younger activists raised in the era of New Labour – together with reporters from the Independent and the Observer - feel certain that it promised there would be no return to the failed policies of the hard left, but a new era of constructive centrist dialogue with the wealth creators.

All, however, agreed that their new spirit guide concluded its telepathic transmission by pledging to work towards the transformation of tragically-unmetamorphosed sibling Miliband One before thanking them deeply, on behalf of the whole ethereal realm, for telling the irredeemable John Prescott where he could stick his dreams of playing Monopoly with the party funds.