Accident and emergency wards all over the UK are overflowing with teenagers who are just too stupid to live, it emerged today. Haggard doctors say they are struggling to cope with the sudden influx of thrill-seekers with less instinct for self-preservation than a suicide bomber.
"See this bucket of guts waiting to be sewn back together?" said one worn-out admissions clerk. "That's some Year 9 smart-arse who saw an episode of the Bionic Woman and reckoned it would be a bit of a laugh to run through the turbine blades of a huge air-conditioning system. Wrong."
Other idiot teen stunts include:
- strapping Acme mail-order rockets to their feet and, predictably, slamming into cliffs or falling into mile-deep canyons as a result;
- jumping off a tall building, pressing a button on their watches and not transforming into a flying creature or robot;
- dressing up in brightly-coloured biking leathers, riding their mopeds into an almighty explosion and failing to leap unscathed ten metres into the air;
- taking up ballroom dancing and putting their backs out.
"It's total carnage in here," said a blood-soaked consultant. "It's all too easy to point the finger of blame at the TV companies for their cavalier irresponsibility in warning youngsters about the dangers of extreme stupidity - but when all's said and done, there's no getting away from the fact that teenagers are complete fucktards."
"Captain Scarlet is indestructible," he warned. "You are not. Remember this. Do not try to imitate him."
Teenagers all over the country are now feared to be eagerly scouring YouTube for ill-advised, Supermarionation-related suicide tactics with which to briefly displace their intense sexual frustration.
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