Gordon Brown, apparently overcome by a fit of remorse for things which were nothing to do with him, has today issued a slew of apologies to the rest of the world.
Top of the list of things the prime minister regretted was the transportation of petty criminals to the penal colony of Botany Bay, which led to the founding of Australia.
"I'm really, really sorry that the draconian laws of my predecessors indirectly condemned you to be born citizens of a sunny, progressive nation blessed with untold mineral wealth," sobbed Mr Brown, on his knees outside 10 Downing Street. "If only I could go back in time and change things, you might all be living in Britain."
Mr Brown then pulled out a crumpled list from his back pocket, rending his garments and gnashing his teeth in despair as he read out a tragic litany of cruelty for which he wasn't responsible.
"My conscience compels me to declare my sincere personal repentance for the following," wailed the PM. "The erroneous claims made concerning the flotation capability of the Titanic. The relief of Ladysmith. The 'bodyline' tactics that forever blighted the name of English cricket. The horrific burning of the Temple of Claudius at Camelodunum by the evil queen Boudicca in 60AD. The Triumph TR7. The occupation of Iceland in 1940. The extinction of the dodo. Tommy Steele. The War of Jenkins' Ear. Carry On Columbus. And many, many more."
"I will surely burn in hell for all the things I didn't have any part of," he added, as he scourged himself with a knotted whip in front of cheering crowds.
"This is all very commendable, I'm sure," said a shopper in Bermondsey this morning, on hearing the news. "But I suspect hell will freeze over before Gordon Brown apologises for something he actually did, like forcing everyone in Britain to pay for his staggeringly inept mismanagement of the economy for the rest of our lives."
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