The Devon city was rated the nation's third most sustainable last year - before Britain's only remaining Thatcherite, council leader Vivian Pengelly, had really had a chance to turn everything to shit. However, thanks to Mrs Pengelly's acclaimed stewardship, Plymouth now ranks 14th for biodiversity and climate change, 16th for green spaces and 18th for its economy.
"A year ago, Plymouth was actually top for environmental ranking," said Forum for the Future's chief executive, Peter Madden. "Now it's 14th. If I were living in Plymouth right now, I'd be throwing my essential belongings in a wheelbarrow and getting the fuck out of that toxic cesspit before nightfall."
Campaigning local newspaper the Eerole somehow failed to find space for the think-tank's ominous findings, filled as it was with a series of heart-warming stories about Plymouth's fine, upstanding citizens - including a man in court for pushing his girlfriend through a glass panel, a pensioner who has been indecently assaulting teenage girls for 40 years, another arrest linked to Plymouth's child-molesting nursery worker, and the usual daily round-up of random drunken assaults.
"Plemoff ez thurr focken bess focken setay en thur focken werowd, y'focken cont," said Cllr Pengelly in an official press release wrapped round a fresh turd, lit and pushed through the Nev Filter's letterbox. "Kmeer eff y'wanner focken myek sommen ovvet, y'focken twaah."
"Enn oy ent eevun sowed awf they focken buses yet," she added. "20th furr traanspawt, eeyer oss focken comms!"
Angry Plymoids, meanwhile, have expressed no urgent desire to read the forum's damning report, saying they would have to learn to read first and it seemed a lot of effort just to find out what "somm focken posh wanka oo wern frumm rown 'eer" had to say. They did, however, lean out of their knackered bangers to scream incoherently at strangers, which apparently constitutes the nearest thing to serious public debate in Plymouth.
No comments:
Post a Comment