The Financial Services Authority will be given sweeping new powers to peanut top bankers' ties if they persist in awarding themselves bonuses for throwing money down the toilet, promised chancellor Alistair Darling today.
"It is wrong that irresponsible financiers should pay themselves huge sums of money for the banking equivalent of opening the swear box and blowing all the cash on a three-legged horse with no rider," said Mr Darling. "It's about time the industry watchdog was finally given some teeth to discourage such cavalier actions."
Other punitive measures planned by the Treasury include scribbling all over the bankers' reports, breaking their pencils, throwing their Blackberries over the nearest wall and - in extreme cases - holding them down and writing 'twat' on their foreheads with a biro.
"Now I'm really shitting myself," smiled leading Structured Investment Vehicles gambler Rob Blind.
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