PM Gordon Brown is on the run tonight, after the Queen was found tied and gagged in a Westminster broom cupboard shortly after the delivery of the Queen's Speech.
"I thought Her Majesty was looking even grumpier than usual," opposition leader David Cameron told Scotland Yard detectives. "That squinty eye seemed familiar, too, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it."
"At the time, it didn't strike me as particularly unusual that the prime minister didn't seem to be taking much of an interest in what was going on around him, either," he added. "It turns out that it was just a life-sized cardboard cut-out being held up by Alistair Darling and Harriet Harman."
When the gag was removed, the Queen wasted no time in revealing that Mr Brown had reacted very badly when she gave her opinion on the speech he had written for her, in which he outlined all of the fantasy laws he aims to inflict before he gets booted out by the electorate in six months' time.
"One laughed like a drain," she said. "One told him, 'Well, you petty, spiteful little man, you've excelled yourself this time, haven't you? This is nothing more than a blueprint for stitching up the Tories when they get in - particularly the bit about forcing the next government to halve the budget deficit by any means necessary - so they'll pick up all the flak, and you'll be smelling of roses in five years' time.' One told him one would read the bloody thing as per contract, but keeping a straight face was rather out of the question."
It transpires that a fuming Mr Brown then trussed the Queen up, donned her regalia and delivered the speech himself in a silly voice, telling parliament that he had "a bit of a cold".
The public are warned not to approach Mr Brown if they see him, as he is extremely desperate.
"Mr Brown is not physically dangerous," said a Scotland Yard spokesman. "But if he corners you, his psychological profile suggests that he'll drone on and on about how it's all everybody's fault but his own, until you lose the will to live and throw yourself under a passing bus."
In case Mr Brown is still wearing the Queen's clothes and looking for a place to blend in, police say they will be paying close attention to any drag queens attending tonight's West End performance of 'Priscilla, Queen of the Desert - The Musical'.
"If you were Gordon Brown, wouldn't you want to stay in disguise?" pointed out a senior detective. "After all, he's without doubt the owner of the most punchable face in Britain."
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