ID cards will be the best way to ensure that you get completely shit-faced, according to junior Home Office minister Meg Sillier.
Speaking ahead of a trial card launch in Manchester later this month, Ms Sillier suggested that the controversial scheme would enable piss-artists to keep successfully ordering drink after drink in a staggering pub crawl through the city's bars, nightclubs and A&E departments.
"At the moment, you have to carry your driving licence or passport with you when you go out on the piss," she pointed out. "Sure, they'll prove your age - but only the ID card has a field to display your favourite tipple, which will of course come in very handy when you reach the incoherent mumbling stage."
The Home Office pointed out that there was certainly no implied threat that, sooner or later, everybody in Britain would have to pay for an ID card and submit themselves to constant government surveillance if they wanted to purchase the smallest quantity of alcohol, or indeed anything at all.
"Whatever gives you that idea?" demanded a government newspokesman. "You clearly need re-educating about the constant state of war that this country is facing."
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