One of the top two posts in the Labour Party should always be held by a woman, deputy leader Harriet Harman told her book group this morning over an agreeable bottle of chianti.
"Men cannot be left to run things on their own," she slurred, spilling wine on her half-read copy of Pride and Prejudice, while her fellow literature-lovers nodded vigorously in agreement. "Let's face it, they're all useless, the whole bloody lot of them. They prod you in the back with their thing when you're trying to get to sleep after you've slogged your guts out all day long raising a family, they can't move without farting and they actually think it's funny, and they can't even put up shelves without expert supervision by a woman. They're all complete and utter bastards. Hic."
"Of course, they're not totally useless, and every car should be equipped with one in case it breaks down," she added. "Then when it's all covered in oil after topping up the sparkplugs, or whatever it is they do, you can drive off and get a clean new one from Halfords."
"I'm not saying that men should be totally excluded from politics," insisted Ms Harman, waving her now-empty glass around. "After all, you've got to have someone to blame when things go wrong."
"Yes, dear," said a pinafore-clad Lord Mandelson, who was ironing his smile in the conservatory. "Do you mind if I take the car for a little spin this afternoon? I just want to find myself a nice safe seat, so I can take over when that Scottish git at work gets kicked out."
"Well, if you must," slurred Ms Harman crossly, "But for God's sake, do make sure it matches the curtains."
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