Immigrants To Be Awarded Points For Knowing Their Place

A consultation document launched today by immigration minister Phil Dumbas suggests that UK citizenship could be awarded on a points basis.

"Immigrants might, for example, gain points by joining political parties or trade unions," smiled Mr Dumbas. "In fact, I'll clarify that. Immigrants will gain points for joining the Labour Party at a special 'immigrant membership' fee of £1000 and going out every night distributing party propaganda printed at their own expense. They can also score by joining a Labour-affiliated union and ticking the box marked 'I promise not to undertake industrial action, and wish to donate 95% of my wages to the Labour Party' on their application form."

"Obviously, immigrants joining any other party will lose points, as they will have demonstrated a total lack of British values," he added.

Immigrants will also lose points for taking part in other activities deemed to be unpatriotic - such as expressing an opinion about anything the Labour government does, complaining about racist abuse, uttering their native gibberish in public, refusing to give up their seat to a memsahib or failing to address a white man as 'massa'.

"Also, if any immigrants should choose to dress up in Lycra costumes and leap from rooftop to rooftop fighting rap-related crime in their lawless ghettoes, then they will score big points," said Mr Dumbas. "Naturally, should they die heroically in the course of their crime-fighting activities, they will be buried with a posthumous British passport."