Mars is farting methane at a truly frightening rate, according to puzzled French researchers from the Université Pierre et Marie Curie in Paris.
By modelling effects first seen by Americans through infrared spectroscopy, Franck Lefevre and François Forget discovered that not only does the red planet sporadically pump plumes of up to 19,000 tonnes of the noxious gas into the thin Martian atmosphere - far more than the Earth produces - but that the awful eggy stench also lingers for a shorter time than expected. The rate of methane production also appears to be seasonal, they added.
"Eet ees possible ze 'umble sprout may, en effet, 'ave originated on Mars," said Dr Lefevre, waving his arms about like an epileptic juggler and shrugging uncontrollably. "Wizout 'aving discovered ze actual vegetable patch, 'owever, eet ees 'ard to be certain when ees ze Martian growing season. But zees ees ze only explanation up with which we 'ave come. Mars ees exhibiting all ze farty signs of ze sprout-based diet. Zut alors."
"I would not go out zere eef I were you, mon brave," he warned.
After reading their Gallic colleagues' report in the journal Nature, however, NASA scientists believe they may have an explanation for the rapid disappearance of methane from the Martian atmosphere.
"Last night, in order to accurately replicate Mars under laboratory conditions, I set my team the task of consuming several crates of Coors," said mission leader Randy von Braun. "When they reached the appropriate level of methane production, I imitated the effect of Martian volcanoes by applying my Zippo to the gas plumes erupting from the appropriate fissures. And whaddya know - the methane disappeared completely, along with my eyebrows."
"But goddamn, it was one hell of an experiment," he added. "And we've invited the world's leading exologists along to what promises to be a truly awesome conference in Vegas to demonstrate our theory."
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