Railways in Britain are in chaos today, as freed train robber Ronnie Biggs celebrates his 80th birthday - and release from prison on compassionate grounds - by holding up trains all over Network South East.
Aided by a freshly-recruited cohort of evil doctors and nurses, Biggs has been parking his hospital bed on tracks in isolated areas, forcing oncoming trains to screech to an emergency halt. The stroke-crippled criminal then issues orders to his henchmen by slowly pointing to letters on a board, whereupon they swarm all over the halted train, beat the coachwork out of shape with iron bars and make their getaway in an unmarked ambulance.
"It's not even as if they're stealing anything this time," said a shocked British Transport Police inspector. "Biggs just seems to be holding up trains for the sheer fun of it. We knew he was a very sick man, but not this sick."
Horrified pensioner Tony Hastings, who spent eight years campaigning for a pardon for the Great Train Robber, has vowed to track down the evil villain and hand him over to the forces of law and order. He was the first to raise the alarm, when he turned up at the Norfolk and Norwich University Hospital with a bunch of grapes, only to be presented with an empty room on an unstaffed ward and an illegible note written by one of Bigg's doctor minions, which trained pharmacists are still struggling to decipher.
"I've been such a fool," said the red-faced do-gooder. "Biggs had me fooled completely. I thought he was a sick old man who just wanted to die at home with dignity. But the unpalatable truth is that he's a sick old man who intends to hold up a train for every single day of his captivity."
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