Did Self-Deluding Chavettes Abduct Maddy?

Police have arrested hundreds of thousands of female chavs, after the Madeleine McCann hotline was swamped by calls about women who looked slightly like Posh Spice, but a bit fatter.

Private investigators working for Maddy's family yesterday released an e-fit image of a woman who might bear a fleeting resemblance to Victoria Beckham if you were desperate for a quickie out by the wheely bins after ten pints in a crappy nightclub. From early this morning, the helpline was besieged by thick-headed men worried that they may just have woken up with a snoring, psychopathic child-abductor.

All police leave was immediately cancelled, and every single officer in the country was soon taking part in an unprecedented volume of doorstep raids all over the country.

"Now I'm soberin' up like, I'm like finkin' wot a narrow 'scape I must of had, jenotameen?" said a sunken-eyed Cody-Lee Scowser, as he ruefully surveyed the splintered remains of his front door. "I woke up bustin' for a piss, yeah, turned on the telly and saw this photo wot sorta looked like wot were lyin' nex to me, innit, only not so porky jenotameen?"

"Then right, when they said she might of bin Australian, I wuz like 'ang on, this munter torked like everyfin' wuz a question, right?" he continued. "So I'm like, 'omifuckengod I bin shaggin' a peedo innit', an' I grabs me moby an' ring the numba while I wuz like avin' a slash, jenotameen? Nex fing y'know, the coppas wuz like bashin' the door dan, innit?"

"Now me cock's itchin' sumfin chronic?" he added. "Joo reckon I mite of cort swine flu off of 'er? Woteva."

Cody-Lee's story was echoed across the high-rises and sink estates of Britain today, with fields commandeered as emergency holding pens filled with grim-faced orange trolls of all sizes, shapes and levels of self-delusion.

"It may take some time to sift through almost a million suspects," admitted DCI Savage, the officer in charge of Operation Posh. "But we'll find this child-abducting lowlife eventually. Unless, of course, she was on the rag last night and stayed in. But she'll be spotted eventually."

Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, the real Posh is reported to have been dragged from the Becks' luxury mansion and torn limb from limb by an enraged vigilante mob of holidaying Brits.