When Worlds Collide (revisited)

The world is going to die screaming in a world-shattering collision with the planet Venus, astronomers told the people of Earth yesterday.

"We put some numbers into the computer, and this came out," announced a white-faced Jacques Laskar of the Observatiore de Paris. "Fuck."

His tear-streaked colleague Mickael Gastineau explained - between long, shuddering sobs - that the newly-dreamed-up theory of orbital chaos postulated that mass planetary collisions would inevitably result if Mercury, the tiny innermost planet, should suddenly decide to up sticks and take an extended wander around the solar system for no readily apparent reason.

"If, or rather when, this happens, Jupiter - which is a very nervous planet composed entirely of gas and fear - will whizz round and round at tremendous speed," said Gastineau. "The Earth, being a dull, unimaginative sort of planet, will just continue blithely on its way - but Venus, which is very hot and bothered, will rush blindly towards Jupiter to see what all the fuss is about. Too bad for us if we happen to get in the way."

As the two planets approach, their atmospheres will be ripped away by unimaginable gravitic forces. The Earth's oceans will boil away into the vacuum, then the two worlds will be wracked by unprecedented earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, causing the moon to flee in panic. Finally, Venus will smash into the Earth at tremendous speed, rupturing the fragile mantles of both worlds and leaving nothing but a vast, expanding cloud of shattered rocks and metal which will in time become another sterile, lifeless asteroid belt.

Both researchers added that this would almost certainly result in a lot of deaths.

They also added that orbital chaos would not happen in less than 3.5 billion years, and that even then there would only be a one in 2500 chance of a collision involving the Earth - by which time mankind, if it survives at all, will have evolved into some kind of unrecognisable, acid-breathing, insectoid horror.

"But the important thing to remember is that you are all going to die," howled Laskar, as he loaded a single round into the chamber of a revolver, "And die horribly."

NASA scientists are working feverishly on plans to build a manned base of some sort on the dark side of the moon - possibly with somebody from Mission: Impossible in command, together with his wife - allowing perhaps 300 humans to escape and spend the rest of eternity wandering the farthest reaches of the cosmos, searching in vain for a new planet to bugger up. The Church of Scientology is expected to underwrite the costs of the project.