Nose On Mandelson's Face 'Taken Out of Context'

A furiously calm Lord Mandelson went on the Andrew Marr Plays Guitar Show this morning to deliver a monologue about the nose on his face, accompanied by the host on conjunctions.

"This so-called email - which a person, who may or may not have been me, did or did not send to Derek Draper, a fictional invention of the Mail on Sunday - may possibly contain the words 'Gordon', 'insecure', 'self-conscious', 'angry' and 'Brown', but you have to remember that these were balanced by other words like 'is', which were not given the same coverage," he said, after breathing in for two minutes. "No, let me finish. You asked me a question. What the public really wants is for me to finish answering the question which you - and it's not just the BBC, it's all of the right-wing media - asked me before letting me finish. I spoke to Ed Balls - and we were laughing about it - and we both agreed that there are many people in the cabinet who are qualified to finish answering the question that you put to me. I think what's important to remember is that Caroline Flint must answer the question: are there any more biscuits, love? That's the question the British public want to ask, and that's the question you should be asking now, if you'd only let me finish, even though you've twisted its meaning. And I'd say that the Prime Minister is doing an excellent job of asking the questions that ordinary people want to answer, but you never hear that in all the press hysteria over D-Day expenses. Go on, ask your question. No, let me finish. I rang James Purnell yesterday, because I know where he lives, and he says he was very drunk when he wrote to the papers, and he would and indeed will walk naked through alligator-infested swamps to support the government if he knows what's good for him - if you'll just let me make my point - and that's what the British public want to hear about, they're concerned about their jobs and their homes and crime and punishment and pride and prejudice and big brother ten and they want answers. And that's the first priority of a Labour government, these are our core values which you've taken out of context, the Tories have their core values which are entirely in some unspecified way different and I hope that answers your hysterical, parabolic questions. Next? Yes. No. Yes. Next! Let me finish. Next! Can you quote the entire bible from memory? No? Well, shut the fuck up then. Let me finish. The prime minister is definitely not a liability who is doing a wonderful job of getting the country on its feet. Thank you. Your name is going on my list."

In the meantime, Mr Marr hesitantly improvised an accompaniment consisting entirely of conjunctions, before thanking a blue-faced Lord Mandelson for making him look like a spineless twerp who would be unable to get a straight answer out of a speak-your-weight machine.