Everything You Read In The Papers Apparently Not Entirely True

The legendary quality of British newspaper journalism is declining as editors sacrifice standards for sales, according to the Media Standards Trust.

According to the charity's research, public faith in journalists is at an all-time low. The trust also criticised the system of self-regulation for failing to deal with radical changes in the media.

"Basically, everything you read in the papers is a steaming great crock of shit," said David Bell, chairman of the Financial Times, who chairs the MST. "For example, our 'research' claims that only 7% of the public trust them to behave responsibly, while three-quarters say the papers often publish stories they know to be untrue. That's clearly a load of bollocks, for a start. 100% of Daily Mail readers implicitly believe everything it says to have been handed to the editor by God himself, inscribed on on tablets of stone. The same can be also said of the Express - except, of course, their stories are delivered personally to their porn-baron owner, Richard Desmond, written in spunk across the bouncing breasts of Red Hot XXX Asian Babes."

However, Sir Christopher Meyer - chairman of the Press Complaints Commission - described the report as "careless and shoddy".

"It's full of assertions unsupported by the evidence on privacy, on public confidence, on transparency," he said, adding that he had authorised an army of highly-responsible journalists to camp out on the doorsteps of the MST's review panel, search through their rubbish and invent stories about their perverted sexual habits.