As Britain - a nation entirely surrounded by seawater - runs out of salt for its roads after a bit of a cold snap, Gloucestershire County Council has announced that it is to throw 100 tons of table salt to the icy winds in a desperate attempt to make people believe that something is being done.
But health campaigners have slammed the proposals, saying that most of the white salt will blow away as soon as it falls out of the back of the lorry - probably straight into the gaping mouths of greedy fat bastards waiting eagerly on the kerb, who will promptly keel over with coronaries.
“A far better alternative would be Lo-Salt - the low-sodium alternative to salt - which is composed almost entirely of potassium chloride,” said a BMA representative. “Actually, it won’t be much good at clearing snow and ice off the roads - but let’s face it, it probably wouldn’t be any more useless than table salt.”
Gloucestershire Highways said they would definitely be examining the Lo-Salt proposal as they had received enormous publicity in the national media for the table salt idea, and no doubt more favourable coverage would follow if they could spin the health angle too.
“Of course, that would mean a 500% increase on next year’s council tax rate,” conceded a spokesman. “Have you seen the price of that stuff? Still, we can always blame it on the recession, central government cutbacks and council housing.”
“Just get the fucking roads cleared,” shouted a passing motorist as he skidded into a lamp-post.