David Cameron has warned the people of Britain against any reduction in their enthusiasm for the sheer naked greed of a small, wealthy clique.
The Tory leader mounted his impassioned defence of the ruthless exploitation of the masses by the privileged few at the Social Enterprise Coalition conference in Birmingham, saying: "The foundations of our economy have been shaken - and with it our faith in capitalism and free enterprise."
"Only a murderous Stalinist cynic could possibly imagine the slightest connection between the unrestrained pursuit of maximum profit and the minor difficulties we are currently experiencing," he went on, adding: "It is capitalism that has made this great country what it is today."
Mr Cameron promised that, under a Conservative government, Britain's sure salvation lay in bringing back Jobclubs and retraining the workforce to stack shelves. However, any further explanations were lost as he disappeared under a hail of shoes.
"If that plummy upper-class twit thinks that twiddling my thumbs all day in a Jobclub, surrounded by yesterday's papers and waiting for my turn to search for jobs via one rusty PC on a dial-up modem will somehow make me less inclined to yell 'wankers' at the telly every time I see a bank advert," said one laid-off worker, "Then he's even more clueless that our one-eyed Scots idiot of a prime minister."