Air accident investigators suspect that the crash that killed 50 people yesterday in Buffalo, NY, may have been due to insufficient praying by those on board.
"We have retrieved the black boxes from the wreckage, and the cockpit voice recorder clearly shows that the pilots were spending far too much time discussing poor visibility and a dangerous build-up of ice on the wings, recklessly neglecting their duty to call on their Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, today and forever hallelujah," said the head of the National Transportation Safety Board.
"With so much wicked sin emanating from the cockpit, Satan had effective control of the airplane," he explained, "So it would have taken a truly massive prayer effort by the passengers to convince the Lord God to intercede. Without a highly-trained pastor on board to direct them, they literally wouldn't have had a prayer."
He went on to say that, so far, none of the charred bodies pulled from the wreckage had been in a sufficiently humble position to persuade the Almighty to bring the stricken commuter plane miraculously back to earth.
"I urge all airlines to rewrite their crew training procedures, placing the emphasis on calling on our blessed Saviour to save their sorry asses," he added. "And, rather than misplacing our faith in trigger-happy air marshals who think they're Steven Segal, all commercial flights should be required to carry a minister of the Lord in an overhead compartment for use in all in-flight emergencies."