The public is being urged to boycott the film Four Lions, which is released tomorrow, amid claims that it portrays evil, twisted humorists as human beings.
"This sick travesty can only give succour to humorists everywhere," ranted the father of one tragic humour victim who died laughing five years ago. "Humorists are not people. They are vicious animals who should be hunted down without mercy by the security forces."
The film is the latest affront to decent folk to be perpetrated by the elusive humorist leader Chris Morris, who has been a fugitive ever since his unprovoked Brass Eye Special in 2001 - a tragic event which will be remembered forever as 26/7 -
caused a massive paedophilia explosion which scarred the minds of millions, outraging many who hadn't even seen it with their own eyes.
"Make no mistake. We are in the midst of a war on humour," said a spokesman for the tabloid media, which operates as the de facto government of the United Kingdom during elections, as well as before and after them. "An extreme humour warning has been issued to cope with this latest offensive. We must not flinch from our solemn duty until every last humorist has been neutralised."
In another shocking humour attack, lads' mag Zoo begged forgiveness for a sick item in which lovable cockney charmer Danny Dyer was used as a human shield for a twisted exhortation calling for angry young lads to rise up and strike a blow against their girlfriends in the name of humour.
Other offensive acts of humour include:
Dad's Army: a perverted trivialisation of a bloody war in which hundreds of thousands of decent British people and a few others lost their lives, and a cynical insult to those ill-equipped but unquestionably brave heroes who proudly wear the uniform of the British Army;
Only Fools And Horses: a subtle attack on civilised values, in which petty criminal scum are raised to iconic status while the brave upholders of law and order in our great capital are depicted as thuggish, overbearing dimwits;
The Vicar of Dibley: a sustained assault on Christianity, the very bastion of hope for those who long for a humour-free world;
The Young Ones: a thinly-disguised recruiting drive for humorists, which single-handedly led to a massive swelling of the ranks of crazed students who sit around arguing instead of going to lectures;
The Good Life: an overt denial of the values which the western world holds dear.
"There is no room for complacency," thundered the purple-faced tabloid spokesman. "Humorists walk among us today. Take a close look at the person next to you. Do they look a bit funny? Report them to the police. Britain will not be safe until the evil cancer of humour is excised forever from our shores."
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Downed UKIP Squadron Leader Vows To Keep Fighting Foreign Invaders
Plucky UKIP Squadron Leader 'Biggles' Farage had a miraculous escape today, when he pranged his kite whilst single-handedly fighting against domination by Hitler's evil European superstate.
Squadron Leader Farage scrambled into the air at dawn today to continue his one-man Battle of Britain - but just as his kite left the ground he found a banner on his tail, which he was unable to shake off. Somehow he managed to land his stricken plane upside down, and was pulled from the wreckage unconscious but alive.
The legendary line-shooter was taken to hospital with minor injuries, and will live to fight again.
"I've been shot down so many times, I've lost count," joked Squadron Leader Farage later, from his hospital bed. "But I hope to take the fight to Europe again soon. Rest assured, chaps - nobody has more experience of dropping propaganda leaflets full of bumph than me."
Squadron Leader Farage's loyal batman, Unwanted Ginger Child, told reporters that his brave friend hoped to fly into Buckingham later tonight, where the Royal Observer Corps confidently expect him to lose another count.
Squadron Leader Farage scrambled into the air at dawn today to continue his one-man Battle of Britain - but just as his kite left the ground he found a banner on his tail, which he was unable to shake off. Somehow he managed to land his stricken plane upside down, and was pulled from the wreckage unconscious but alive.
The legendary line-shooter was taken to hospital with minor injuries, and will live to fight again.
"I've been shot down so many times, I've lost count," joked Squadron Leader Farage later, from his hospital bed. "But I hope to take the fight to Europe again soon. Rest assured, chaps - nobody has more experience of dropping propaganda leaflets full of bumph than me."
Squadron Leader Farage's loyal batman, Unwanted Ginger Child, told reporters that his brave friend hoped to fly into Buckingham later tonight, where the Royal Observer Corps confidently expect him to lose another count.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
British Tut As Excitable Foreigners Get All Hot And Bothered Over Something Or Other
As furious Greeks virtually shut down their country in protest at swingeing cuts, the sanguine British public shook their heads disdainfully and cracked open another can of Tesco Value beer-style drink.
"Typical bloody lefty strikers," said Andrew Mann, as he trudged towards the call centre where he will spend the next twelve hours fast-talking pensioners into replacing the double glazing they bought last year. "Couldn't give a toss about the inconvenience to Joe Public. Join a trade union? - I'd rather die."
Sammi-Jo Bloggs, a passing shelf-stacker on her way to fill Tesco with more cheap booze and expensive bread, echoed her agreement: "Bleedin' trots yeah, holdin' the country to ransom yeah? I reckon right iss all that 'ot weva, goes to their 'eds innit? Fank fuck it cooden 'appen 'ere like innit right jenotameen?"
To the chagrin of their government, as yet the overexcited and unmistakeably foreign inhabitants of Greece show no signs of sinking apathetically into their sofas and allowing their anger at being forced by the IMF and Europe to bear the brunt of their national economic meltdown to be harmlessly dissipated by an alcohol-assisted saturation diet of Corinthian Street, CreteEnders or The Chi Factor.
"If the British public vote us in, they will be giving us a clear mandate to squeeze them until they bleed money from every pore," beamed Tory shadow chancellor George Osborne, refuting Lib Dem leader and ghastly foreigner Nick Clegg's earlier claim that massive cuts could lead to similar mass protests on the streets of Britain. "So that's all right then."
"Typical bloody lefty strikers," said Andrew Mann, as he trudged towards the call centre where he will spend the next twelve hours fast-talking pensioners into replacing the double glazing they bought last year. "Couldn't give a toss about the inconvenience to Joe Public. Join a trade union? - I'd rather die."
Sammi-Jo Bloggs, a passing shelf-stacker on her way to fill Tesco with more cheap booze and expensive bread, echoed her agreement: "Bleedin' trots yeah, holdin' the country to ransom yeah? I reckon right iss all that 'ot weva, goes to their 'eds innit? Fank fuck it cooden 'appen 'ere like innit right jenotameen?"
To the chagrin of their government, as yet the overexcited and unmistakeably foreign inhabitants of Greece show no signs of sinking apathetically into their sofas and allowing their anger at being forced by the IMF and Europe to bear the brunt of their national economic meltdown to be harmlessly dissipated by an alcohol-assisted saturation diet of Corinthian Street, CreteEnders or The Chi Factor.
"If the British public vote us in, they will be giving us a clear mandate to squeeze them until they bleed money from every pore," beamed Tory shadow chancellor George Osborne, refuting Lib Dem leader and ghastly foreigner Nick Clegg's earlier claim that massive cuts could lead to similar mass protests on the streets of Britain. "So that's all right then."
Bangladeshis Deeply Moved By Heartbreaking Images of Flood-Hit Nashville
The amphibious people of Bangladesh have dug deep into their pockets to send aid to the white flood victims of Nashville, Tennessee, after seeing images of the terrible devastation on their waterproofed televisions yesterday.
"My heart is breaking to see such unbearable suffering," said fish-man Masud Alam. "Here in Bangladesh we have learned to seal our few electrical items into polythene bags, grout the wall socket and extract oxygen through our rudimentary gills, so life goes on when our rivers burst their banks every year and submerge the entire country. But white people should not have to endure such hardships. I am selling my children to Mr Haq's clothing factory to raise funds which I will send to the United States for the relief of those poor whites."
The good white folk of Nashville, however, have shunned the aid which is flowing in from the poverty-stricken Asian state.
"Ah doan wan' no furrin cash nosir," said angry washed-out supremacist Jim-Bob Presley. "If ah cain't find it on a map, ah ain't havin' no truck with it. So you folks from aways beyond Clarksville kin keep yore funny money, y'hear?"
Meanwhile, black residents of the waterlogged Southern city have expressed no such reservations over the source of any aid that might come their way, but say they are not holding their breath - at least not until the water reaches the ceiling, at any rate.
"My heart is breaking to see such unbearable suffering," said fish-man Masud Alam. "Here in Bangladesh we have learned to seal our few electrical items into polythene bags, grout the wall socket and extract oxygen through our rudimentary gills, so life goes on when our rivers burst their banks every year and submerge the entire country. But white people should not have to endure such hardships. I am selling my children to Mr Haq's clothing factory to raise funds which I will send to the United States for the relief of those poor whites."
The good white folk of Nashville, however, have shunned the aid which is flowing in from the poverty-stricken Asian state.
"Ah doan wan' no furrin cash nosir," said angry washed-out supremacist Jim-Bob Presley. "If ah cain't find it on a map, ah ain't havin' no truck with it. So you folks from aways beyond Clarksville kin keep yore funny money, y'hear?"
Meanwhile, black residents of the waterlogged Southern city have expressed no such reservations over the source of any aid that might come their way, but say they are not holding their breath - at least not until the water reaches the ceiling, at any rate.
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
Cameron To Invade Your Dreams
"We recognise that, although people's gut reaction is to hate Gordon Brown for handing Britain's finances to bastards in suits, selling the soul of the Labour Party to bastards in suits and for generally being a wretched excuse for a human being and a thoroughly disagreeable bastard in a suit, when they stop to think for a moment they remember that I am that slick camera whore who fronts the natural party of bastards in suits," admitted Mr Cameron. "The key marginal we need to reach out to above all others is the subconscious mind. That's why, when you go to bed tonight, I shall be climbing aboard our experimental ship of dreams and setting sail for your psyche."
"Men - when you dream of giving Cheryl Cole one, you will see her face morph sensuously into mine," he promised. "Ladies - when you shudder as your train is plunged into darkness, it will be my doe-eyed smile that greets you at the end of the long tunnel. Disaffected young people - as you inject yourselves with cannabis before nanny tucks you in, you will enter a psychedelic maelstrom where colour, sound and time merge into one and I'm playing the bongos for your heart-throb Rick Astley."
When he returns to the waking world in the morning, having skilfully avoided diehard Labour moonbeasts and gugs, a drained Mr Cameron will stagger drunkenly around the nation, delivering slurred, disjointed utterances that make no sense whatsoever before slipping off his chair comatose as the final results are declared on Thursday.
"Make no mistake - this is how I intend to govern Britain," promised Mr Cameron with his most sincere smile.
Brown Retaliates By Sending Shiny Kettle To Maverick Labour Candidate
Manish Pot, the Labour candidate for North West Norfolk who called Gordon Brown "the worst prime minister we have had in this country" and criticised the party over immigration, today received a parcel by express courier from 10 Downing Street, containing a shiny chrome-finished kettle.
Mr Pot gained instant notoriety across the country when he outlined his anti-Brown, anti-brown views in Lynn News, his local paper.
After opening the package and fainting dead away at the sight of his own reflection, a revived Mr Pot said he would like to clarify his thoughts, but explained that unfortunately his mouth seemed to be functioning independently from his brain.
"When I said 'Immigration has gone up which is creating friction in communities. The country is getting bigger and messier', you have to realise that I didn't realise at the time that I seem to have a long-dormant Asian gene, possibly picked up from the Crusades or some other distant historical event. But who doesn't?" explained Mr Pot. "Anyway, I would have thought it was abundantly clear from what I said that I was in fact referring solely to all these white bastards flocking in from Eastern Europe - many of whom have penises this short, which they will not hesitate to wave enticingly before the bewitched eyes of our lovely flaxen-haired English roses."
Mr Pot's mother Manjula then arrived to give her son a good telling-off. However, he ran away screaming, "Who is this unspeakable foreign woman? I have never seen mum before in my entire life."
"Regarding what I said about Gordon Brown, I stand by my words," he added later, after long-suffering local party officers found Mr Pot hiding in the stationery cupboard, painting himself with Tipp-Ex. "Although I now suspect that I may myself be the worst candidate we have ever had in North West Norfolk."
Mr Pot gained instant notoriety across the country when he outlined his anti-Brown, anti-brown views in Lynn News, his local paper.
After opening the package and fainting dead away at the sight of his own reflection, a revived Mr Pot said he would like to clarify his thoughts, but explained that unfortunately his mouth seemed to be functioning independently from his brain.
"When I said 'Immigration has gone up which is creating friction in communities. The country is getting bigger and messier', you have to realise that I didn't realise at the time that I seem to have a long-dormant Asian gene, possibly picked up from the Crusades or some other distant historical event. But who doesn't?" explained Mr Pot. "Anyway, I would have thought it was abundantly clear from what I said that I was in fact referring solely to all these white bastards flocking in from Eastern Europe - many of whom have penises this short, which they will not hesitate to wave enticingly before the bewitched eyes of our lovely flaxen-haired English roses."
Mr Pot's mother Manjula then arrived to give her son a good telling-off. However, he ran away screaming, "Who is this unspeakable foreign woman? I have never seen mum before in my entire life."
"Regarding what I said about Gordon Brown, I stand by my words," he added later, after long-suffering local party officers found Mr Pot hiding in the stationery cupboard, painting himself with Tipp-Ex. "Although I now suspect that I may myself be the worst candidate we have ever had in North West Norfolk."
Monday, 3 May 2010
Unemployed Cornish Hordes Promised Exciting Back-To-Work-That-Doesn't-Exist Deals By Cameron
Touring the gloriously scenic unemployment blackspot tacked onto the arse end of the country, Tory leader David Cameron unveiled his plans to get everyone in Cornwall who is under 25 and unemployed - or, to put it more simply, everyone in Cornwall who is under 25 - into a college place if he becomes prime minister on Friday.
During his whistle-stop tour of the Liberal Democrat stronghold, the beaming prime ministerial hopeful also promised employers £2000 for every apprentice taken on.
Cornwall County Council's chief executive, Kevin Lavatory - since the unification of the local authority, the only person in the Duchy still earning a living wage - said he was tremendously excited by the possibility of every young jobless in Cornwall receiving valuable tuition in how to claim a lifetime of benefits from the rest of the population, who would be taken on as teaching apprentices by Cornwall Pretend College.
Speaking from under a special egg-proof umbrella, Mr Cameron told a marauding seagull: "Cornwall has a proud and ancient tradition of wrecking, which I hope to bring to the lives of Britain's unemployed."
During his whistle-stop tour of the Liberal Democrat stronghold, the beaming prime ministerial hopeful also promised employers £2000 for every apprentice taken on.
Cornwall County Council's chief executive, Kevin Lavatory - since the unification of the local authority, the only person in the Duchy still earning a living wage - said he was tremendously excited by the possibility of every young jobless in Cornwall receiving valuable tuition in how to claim a lifetime of benefits from the rest of the population, who would be taken on as teaching apprentices by Cornwall Pretend College.
Speaking from under a special egg-proof umbrella, Mr Cameron told a marauding seagull: "Cornwall has a proud and ancient tradition of wrecking, which I hope to bring to the lives of Britain's unemployed."
Police Warn Public To Look Out For One-Eared Man With Two Ears
"O'Donnell could be anywhere," admitted Assistant Chief Constable Ian Hopkins at an open-air press conference in Levenshulme, where the HMP Salford escapee's getaway car was found abandoned. "He is a master of disguise, with an uncanny ability to blend in to the scenery and pass unnoticed in any crowd."
"Is there any tell-tale feature that could possibly give away this criminal mastermind?" asked a journalist with a heavily-bloodstained gauze pad taped to the side of his head.
Mr Hopkins stared long and hard at the notably symmetrical photograph of O'Donnell, thoughtfully stroking his earlobe for several minutes before conceding that the dangerous robber had nothing which might help to distinguish him from the general population.
Sunday, 2 May 2010
Reasoned Debate of Hung Parliament Not What We Want After All, Say Voters
Polls commissioned by the entirely uncommitted Sunday Times and Sunday Telegraph suggest that the electorate has suddenly realised that they would rather have one clear hate figure on which to focus their impotent anger when they are forced to suffer the economic cataclysm which lies just beyond Thursday.
Both completely unbiased polls show that support for Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has tumbled to fractional figures, with voters waking up to the notion that a hung parliament will inevitably mean that the prime minister will be able to slickly pin the blame for everything on somebody else, in a kind of never-ending echo of the election campaign in which everybody has now lost all interest.
"I've set my heart on four years of shouting 'wanker' at that slippery public-school ponce Cameron every time he pops up on the news to announce another cut," said a typical floating voter, Rob Blind. "I don't want him to be able to wriggle out of it every time by claiming the decision was reached by a compromise with his coalition partners. How can I work myself up into a seething rage of righteous indignation when every attack on my wallet has been decided by a rational discussion taking in a broad spread of equally-unpalatable alternatives? It would never work."
Another typical member of the electorate, Nick Stuff, agreed: "I've thoroughly enjoyed hurling a string of eye-watering obscenities at my TV every time Gordon Brown's scowling visage popped up on screen. Imagine how much more pleasure I'd get from seeing him arguing from an even weaker position than he already occupies. I don't want him to have some kind of get-out-of-jail-free card every time he sticks me for another tenner."
Seasoned political veterans say the demographic shift away from the uncharted waters of reasoned discussion at the highest level has been motivated by the rapidly-crystallising thought that even though the next government will have little alternative but to hit everyone repeatedly in the pocket, many people would like to believe that no matter how hard the recovery will be for them and their families, it will at least be nice to think that all those lazy, scrounging bastards on benefits will be getting shafted harder.
"I'll gladly make each new car last another year," smiled Mr Blind, "If it means I can have a jobless hoovering my house every day in return for their JSA."
Both completely unbiased polls show that support for Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg has tumbled to fractional figures, with voters waking up to the notion that a hung parliament will inevitably mean that the prime minister will be able to slickly pin the blame for everything on somebody else, in a kind of never-ending echo of the election campaign in which everybody has now lost all interest.
"I've set my heart on four years of shouting 'wanker' at that slippery public-school ponce Cameron every time he pops up on the news to announce another cut," said a typical floating voter, Rob Blind. "I don't want him to be able to wriggle out of it every time by claiming the decision was reached by a compromise with his coalition partners. How can I work myself up into a seething rage of righteous indignation when every attack on my wallet has been decided by a rational discussion taking in a broad spread of equally-unpalatable alternatives? It would never work."
Another typical member of the electorate, Nick Stuff, agreed: "I've thoroughly enjoyed hurling a string of eye-watering obscenities at my TV every time Gordon Brown's scowling visage popped up on screen. Imagine how much more pleasure I'd get from seeing him arguing from an even weaker position than he already occupies. I don't want him to have some kind of get-out-of-jail-free card every time he sticks me for another tenner."
Seasoned political veterans say the demographic shift away from the uncharted waters of reasoned discussion at the highest level has been motivated by the rapidly-crystallising thought that even though the next government will have little alternative but to hit everyone repeatedly in the pocket, many people would like to believe that no matter how hard the recovery will be for them and their families, it will at least be nice to think that all those lazy, scrounging bastards on benefits will be getting shafted harder.
"I'll gladly make each new car last another year," smiled Mr Blind, "If it means I can have a jobless hoovering my house every day in return for their JSA."
Latest Maddie CGI Tearjerker Released
Today sees the long-awaited release of the latest instalment in the popular 'Maddie' film franchise, featuring Britain's favourite luvvies, Kate and Gerry McCann.
'Madeleine 3: Here With Me' is set once more in the hyper-real CGI setting of Praia de Luz and charts the ongoing search for the only missing child in the world, as the camera-friendly parents reclaim the dark, depraved streets of Portugal from surly Hispanic thugs by fearlessly hurling poster after poster at them until they plead for mercy. And audiences will be reaching for their hankies and buckets during emotionally-fraught scenes of the McCanns talking politely on the telephone and browsing through their emails.
Undoubtedly, however, the star of the franchise is - as always - the computer-generated character of Maddie herself. The CGI rendition features state-of-the-art graphics providing realistic blue eyelids and an impressively-animated pink bow, and it is clear that teams of the industry's leading animators have pulled out all the stops to accurately model the tiny glittering reflections in each gold bead of Maddie's new necklace.
The film's moving theme song was provided by Dido, and is expected to top the charts as audiences flock to have their heartstrings pulled by this unashamedly old-fashioned weepie. The McCanns' army of faithful fans will be reassured to note that the disturbing moral ambiguity of going to the restaurant whilst leaving a small child unattended in an apartment - which, for some, marred previous episodes - has been smoothly airbrushed out of the timeline completely.
The critics have been united in their praise for the Oscar-tipped smash - largely for fear of being tarred and feathered by lynch-mobs of outraged Sun readers if they say a word against it.
'Madeleine 3: Here With Me' is set once more in the hyper-real CGI setting of Praia de Luz and charts the ongoing search for the only missing child in the world, as the camera-friendly parents reclaim the dark, depraved streets of Portugal from surly Hispanic thugs by fearlessly hurling poster after poster at them until they plead for mercy. And audiences will be reaching for their hankies and buckets during emotionally-fraught scenes of the McCanns talking politely on the telephone and browsing through their emails.
Undoubtedly, however, the star of the franchise is - as always - the computer-generated character of Maddie herself. The CGI rendition features state-of-the-art graphics providing realistic blue eyelids and an impressively-animated pink bow, and it is clear that teams of the industry's leading animators have pulled out all the stops to accurately model the tiny glittering reflections in each gold bead of Maddie's new necklace.
The film's moving theme song was provided by Dido, and is expected to top the charts as audiences flock to have their heartstrings pulled by this unashamedly old-fashioned weepie. The McCanns' army of faithful fans will be reassured to note that the disturbing moral ambiguity of going to the restaurant whilst leaving a small child unattended in an apartment - which, for some, marred previous episodes - has been smoothly airbrushed out of the timeline completely.
The critics have been united in their praise for the Oscar-tipped smash - largely for fear of being tarred and feathered by lynch-mobs of outraged Sun readers if they say a word against it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)