Boris Delighted With 245 Peaceful Arrests And A Peaceful Stabbing

The carnival is all about merry dances, like this one

London mayor Boris Johnson has praised the city and its denizens for showing the world the law-abiding, fun-loving side of the capital, as this year’s legendary Notting Hill Carnival ended with just 245 entirely peaceful arrests and only one non-fatal friendly stabbing.

“Cripes, I say, well done chaps!” spluttered Boris, tragically sporting a sequin-covered mankini. “The vibrant street-dancing of London’s dusky chaps and chapesses has completely restored the world’s confidence in our city as a veritable haven of peace and tranquility, as the 6,500 police officers who attended will readily confirm.”

“This sends out a clear message to the rioting yahoos of Tottenham, Croydon and what-have-you,” he declared proudly. “Namely - er - that if you’re planning to openly flout the law of the land, just make sure your ladyfriends are distracting the press johnnies by prancing down a nearby street with hardly any kit on.”

“Er – crikey - hold on a tick – er… whoops,” he added.