The London Marathon has been detained by riot police, who have once more unleashed their controversial 'kettling' tactics against the 35,000 runners. The entire field is reported to be confined in a hundred-metre section of the Embankment.
"A large body of people, representing a variety of dubious causes, was running in a disorderly fashion in the direction of the Houses of Parliament," Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Jong-Stephenson told a hastily-convened press conference. "Obviously these people are highly organised, and have been disrupting traffic all over London. We also have reason to believe that they were intending to mount a mass charge in the direction of Buckingham Palace itself."
"Some of the participants are well-known to us, thanks to top-notch intelligence work," he revealed. "For instance, the notorious Paula Radcliffe has a history of urinating in public places and, in an operation carefully planned by Bob Slow prior to his tragic decision to spend more time with his pension, an undercover officer took her out before the event with a well-aimed truncheon blow to the toe."
"We have also observed several likely terrorists attempting to disguise their identities," added Sir Paul. "Let me assure the British public that capturing the Mr Men, Spongebob Squarepants and a large rubber chicken is our top priority."
The press conference then broke up in confusion, as specially-trained riot teams moved in to arrest everybody with a camera for the crime of photographing a police officer.