Outraged conspiracy theorists solemnly warned Lord Coe today that his ill-advised attempt to make HMS Belfast - the historic WWII cruiser moored on the Thames – vanish into thin air may well have torn a rift in the fabric of space which will ultimately suck London, and ultimately all the matter in the universe, into a terrible inter-dimensional void where time and the laws of physics have no meaning.
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| HMS Belfast (probably) |
“In 1943 the US Navy secretly embarked upon Project Rainbow, hoping to make their ships invisible to radar by applying Einstein’s mysteriously incomplete unified field theory,” explained an earnest man in a tinfoil hat. “The unintended result was that the USS Eldridge disappeared completely for several minutes, leaving a hull-shaped impression in the waters of the Philadelphia Naval Shipyard, before reappearing with half of its crew horribly merged into the very fabric of the ship and the rest stark raving bonkers. The entire population of Philadelphia saw this happen, but obviously they were all sworn to secrecy by Naval Intelligence. It’s not just on the internet, there’s a book about it so it must be true. Lord Coe must be insane to even contemplate repeating this foolhardy attempt to tamper with the space/time continuum.”
He added that it was surely no coincidence that the disappearance of HMS Belfast coincided exactly with asteroid 2005 YU55’s sudden lunge towards the earth.
So far today, however, visitors to HMS Belfast have reported no signs of any sailors sticking out of the deck or running around screaming - although several claim to have been approached by furtive tinfoil-clad men with cricket bats skulking behind hatches, asking whether they happened to have noticed a secret compartment full of valves.
A spokesman for London 2012 commented: “Er…whoops… there’s this thing called Photoshop …”
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