Britain Appalled By Implication That Some Schools May Be Better Than Others

An indignant nation spluttered cornflakes all over the table this morning, as educational charity The Sutton Trust dropped a bombshell claim that some schools which charge parents a lot of money could possibly be better than some which do not.

According to the horrifying report, the top five schools – four of which charge fees, including the hated Eton – send more sixth-formers to Oxford and Cambridge than the 2,000 worst hellholes put together.

Eton

“This affront to humanity cannot be allowed to continue,” howled Sutton Trust chairman and selective grammar-school system alumnus Sir Peter Lampl (Corpus Christi, Oxford). “Everyone knows instinctively that Eton and its shabby ilk are nothing more than monkey-houses whose staff spend all their time wiping saliva off the chins of the idiotic spawn of inbred toffs; no offence, prime minister.”

“As it is universally acknowledged, not least by themselves, that feral children from inner-city estates are every bit as good as - in fact, better than - everybody else, it is obvious that every school ought to send exactly the same proportion of its pupils to university, regardless of ability,” he chipped. “Judging anyone by their ability is a cruel and barbaric practice which has no place in a civilised society, as any fool knows.”

Britain’s universities cringed in shame, wrung their hands, and begged the government to free them immediately from the awful responsibility of having to choose between applicants.

Meanwhile Linda Sinclair, the principal of top-five ranked - and state-run - Hills Road Sixth Form College in Cambridge, sat patiently but fruitlessly in her office all morning, waiting in vain for somebody to offer congratulations to her students.