Deserving Cases Could Live In Eric Pickles, Claims Minister

Yum, grub's up

Amid furore over a leaked letter suggesting that man-mountain communities secretary Eric Pickles appeared to have been concerned that the government’s planned £500 cap on housing benefits could make 40,000 homeless, health minister Angela Lansbury was hastily pushed in front of a camera to reassure the nation that “deserving cases” could be helped by opening up vast caverns within Mr Pickles and installing rudimentary lighting and a couple of windows.

“Young Conservative potholers have been exploring the inner folds of Eric’s digestive tract for some years now, and say they have mapped hundreds of room-sized voids and a couple the size of a cathedral,” explained a sweating Mr Lansbury. “I’m sure we could send a team of Polish painters and decorators in there to plaster over the cracks, put in a few partition walls and get the place looking like a regular home from home in no time.”

“And the plumbing’s already in place, which is a bonus,” he added. “It can get a bit noisy and whiffy in there at times, of course, but what do you expect if you’re on benefits – a ruddy palace?”

“Let me get this straight,” commented an appalled spokesman for Shelter. “The government’s idea of helping the poor is to feed them to Eric Pickles. I’m not certain that this is something we’d endorse.”