God Orders Churches To Welcome Congregations With Minutes Of PCC Meetings And Matters Arising

God has sensationally waded into the ongoing public debate about compulsory prayers in local government, by instructing His ordained representatives to begin all acts of worship with a reading of the minutes of the last Parochial Church Council meeting.

God may also demand apologies for absence

Congregations must, according to God’s plan, then be asked if there are any matters arising from the PCC’s minutes which they wish to discuss before the first hymn.

Many churchgoers, however, have complained that, in these modern times, the arcane thoughts of a tiny group of elders have little or no relevance to their busy lives.

“I’m an anarchist. Why should I be forced to pay lip service to a hierarchical bureaucracy in which I don’t place the slightest credence?” demanded an aggrieved Rev. Harry Davidson, the rector of Stiffkey. “Who does God think He is anyway - Eric Pickles?”

Deserving Cases Could Live In Eric Pickles, Claims Minister

Yum, grub's up

Amid furore over a leaked letter suggesting that man-mountain communities secretary Eric Pickles appeared to have been concerned that the government’s planned £500 cap on housing benefits could make 40,000 homeless, health minister Angela Lansbury was hastily pushed in front of a camera to reassure the nation that “deserving cases” could be helped by opening up vast caverns within Mr Pickles and installing rudimentary lighting and a couple of windows.

“Young Conservative potholers have been exploring the inner folds of Eric’s digestive tract for some years now, and say they have mapped hundreds of room-sized voids and a couple the size of a cathedral,” explained a sweating Mr Lansbury. “I’m sure we could send a team of Polish painters and decorators in there to plaster over the cracks, put in a few partition walls and get the place looking like a regular home from home in no time.”

“And the plumbing’s already in place, which is a bonus,” he added. “It can get a bit noisy and whiffy in there at times, of course, but what do you expect if you’re on benefits – a ruddy palace?”

“Let me get this straight,” commented an appalled spokesman for Shelter. “The government’s idea of helping the poor is to feed them to Eric Pickles. I’m not certain that this is something we’d endorse.”