‘I Want To Enjoy Myself A Bit Now’, Prince Philip Warns World

'Can't eat them, can't hunt them - bloody useless scroungers'

On the occasion of his 90th birthday, Prince Philip has given the world notice that he has done his duty to the nation, and feels like enjoying himself in his dotage.

As hacks enthusiastically checked the batteries in their voice recorders, the queen’s male wife reached for the first volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica and cheerfully set off on an epic tirade of thoughtless abuse against everything in creation, which is likely to last as long as he does.

“He hasn’t really got into his stride yet,” said an eager reporter from the Daily Mail. “So far he’s only gratuitously offended stuff like sharp bits of lava, aardvarks and legendary Finnish rally driver Rauno Aaltonen, Nothing much worth printing there, but things should warm up a treat when he gets to Americans and Asians.”