Ban This Sickly Addictive Crap, Shrieks Orange

Just say no

The Daily Express is crammed full of addictive toxic material and should be blacklisted immediately as a Class A drug, shrieked an orange today.

“A disturbing number of people think the Daily Express is harmless,” the orange screamed at unsuspecting passers-by in the fruit aisle at Waitrose. “In fact, many of them believe that swallowing this stuff on a regular basis actually improves their mental health and sense of well-being. But today I exclusively reveal what my rotten rival, the tomato, dare not – i.e. the Daily Express is the unsuspected cause of a tragic tidal wave of human suffering.”

According to the shrill claims presented by the orange, the Daily Express is positively squelching with harmful ingredients - ranging from the seemingly innocuous but horribly addictive sickly-sweetness of Richard and Judy, via a Frederick Forsythe which is well past its sell-by date, to the poisonous choking hazard of Ann Widdicombe.

The orange called on David Cameron to act swiftly by criminalising the manufacture, sale and distribution of the Daily Express, and jailing anyone found to be in possession of a copy.

“Just one sip of the Daily Express can have permanent mind-altering effects,” shouted the orange. “Our hospitals’ secure units are full of hysterical nervous wrecks whose mindset has been irrevocably damaged by swallowing its insidious dribble.”