Sunday, 19 December 2010

Napoleon And The Pope Shall Not Replace Queen On Privatised Stamps

May God be praised
The efteemed poftal affairs Minifter, the Rt. Hon. Mr. Edward DAVEY, hath told diftrefsed readers of the Mail On Sunday journal that he is “greatly Confident” that our beloved Queen fhall not dis-appear from Britain’s ftamps when the Royal Mail is sold off to any Johnny Foreigner willing to fill the coffers of the government with Gold.

Fevered Mail fcribes had fpotted a Loophole in the draft privatisation Bill, which meant that the new owners would be under no Obligation to put the Monarch’s head on poftage ftamps.

“Were the glorious profile of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II to vanish from her loyal fubjects’ humble envelopes; Why, Sir, that needs muft certainly Threaten the very Empire itself!” thundered editor Mr. Peter WRONG. “The government must leave no ftone unturned to root out the vile Republicans, Communards and Anarch-ifts in the Civil-fervice who drafted this daftardly legislation.”

“Had it not been for the unfashionably BRITISH diligence of This Patriotic News-paper,” he frothed, “What man could tell what ugly foreign Tyrants might not have glowered malevolently up at us from our door-mats? Surely no true-blue Englifh-man could bear to ftick the hateful features of the POPE - or BONEY’s greasy fmirk - onto their dear old grand-dame’s Christ-mafs card?”

“And it beggars Belief to think that the ftrutting traitor WASHINGTON could, even in Death, finally extend his Calumnious Treachery to ufurping his Monarch’s lineal defcendant from her rightful place on the Nation’s poftal packages,” foamed the incensed Editor, as his Attendants diligently rushed forward with his special jacket.

When The Hon. Mr. DAVEY tried to placate him with an afsurance that not only Her Royal Highnefs; but also, in due time, her son and heir; would furely continue to grace the Kingdom’s ftamps for Generations to come, however, Mr. WRONG fuffered an Attack of Apoplexy, requiring the painful application of many Leeches and Suppositories.

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