Peasants Keen To Hear Rich Woman’s Cake Speech

Shivering peasants jumped for joy in their icebound hovels today on hearing the proclamation that, at the end of a dreadful year of unrelenting poverty, redundancies, towering debt, political deceit, swingeing cutbacks, mounting racism, increasing troop casualties, rioting in the streets, police brutality and the return of class warfare, Her Majesty the Queen will use her Christmas Day speech to address the critical importance of cakes.

Let them play sport

The Queen, who this year has selected Hampton Court from among her many palaces as the fabulous backdrop for her thoughtful insights, is to celebrate the central role played by cakes in the lives of her lowly serfs – from the dainty fairy cakes served up by sweet old ladies in the tea tents of picture-postcard cricket matches on England's village greens to what she fondly believes to be hash browns sold by blissed-out hippies during the idyllic summer’s popular beat-music festivals.

“Countless thousands of peasants every week give up their time to participate in mixing and baking cakes of all sorts, or simply encourage others to do so,” opines the much-loved Queen, in a sneak preview which includes heartwarming footage of her grandsons in Lesotho fervently cramming their distended cheeks with Battenburg slices, laughing indulgently as picturesque little black orphans fight under their feet for loose crumbs.

"Cakes are common throughout the world and - mmm - play a part in providing a different perspective on life," she will add between mouthfuls, as she repeatedly pushes her jam-smeared royal visage into a Swiss roll the size of a railway carriage. “Yum.”

“It’s good to know that my plight is shared by the Queen, who has slumped to 12th position in the Forbes list of the world’s wealthiest monarchs,” acknowledged newly-redundant council care worker Michelle Hoskins, wiping a loyal tear from her eye. “I’m only sorry that, as I’ll probably be on benefits from now until the government abolishes them completely, I won’t be able to contribute any more income tax to prop her up.”

“It must be terrible being down to her last £349m,” she added mournfully. “God bless you, ma’am, for thinking of us at Christmas.”