The Nev Filter Expense-Claim Confession in Full

Some MPs have rightly suggested that, as far as expense claims are concerned, various prominent media figures may have some skeletons in their closets.

In a spirit of openness (and before somebody sells my entire unaudited life to the Daily Telegraph) I would therefore like to abase myself before the altar of public opinion and confess all of my freebie-related sins.

1. I hereby confess that I blagged seven years of private school fees out of the council by sneakily taking the 11+ at the age of ten, just catching the tail-end of the Direct Grant scheme which I would otherwise have missed.

2. I hereby confess that by pretending to be vaguely interested in a military career at the age of 14, I cynically deceived the RAF into flying me - at taxpayers' expense - both from and back to the optimistically-named Plymouth Airport on several occasions, in a state-of-the-art Chipmunk T10 trainer.

3. I hereby confess that in 1987 I was treated to a night in a German-friendly hotel in London's fashionable Victoria by my employers, Virgin Retail Ltd, who hoped thereby to persuade me that there was some sort of hitherto-untapped market in Plymouth for Hammerite-sprayed alarm clocks at £25 a throw.

4. I hereby confess to availing myself of a free trip to BT's computing centre at Exeter's exclusive Sowton Industrial Estate, in order to hear a man in glasses tell me an amusing story concerning a work-experience girl who sat on a Winchester drive.

5. I hereby confess to obtaining two free visits to NUS Annual Conference in 1996 and 1997, by convincing a hundred or so students that I might, in some unspecified manner, be able to influence decisions that could conceivably affect them. I then spent my time shamelessly getting through several reams of SU-funded A4 for a satirical newsletter, cynically bypassing the rather long-winded democratic process by means of a popular and effective publicity stunt.

6. I hereby confess that in 2001 I made maximum use of the one free ticket I ever got for meeting my targets at National Rail Enquiries by travelling to London and back at peak times just for the hell of it, even though it meant wedging myself into a corner of the buffet car between Paddington and Reading due to overcrowding.

Whilst all of the above claims were made in full compliance with the relevant rules, I appreciate that my readers may have reached the reasonable - but entirely wrong - conclusion that I am interested solely in lining my own pockets at their expense; am in some way analagous to a gentleman of the stone-throwing persuasion whose transparent home is inappropriately fragile for such activities; and, furthermore, that I am a very dark container used in the brewing of tea.

I can only beg your forgiveness until such time as you have all lost interest in the matter.