Brown Suddenly Notices War in Sri Lanka Which Has Nothing To Do With MPs' Expenses

Gordon Brown has dramatically stepped in to urge both sides in the conflict in Sri Lanka to try being nice to each other before anybody gets hurt.

With the Tamil Tigers now totally surrounded and cut off from the coast by Sri Lankan government forces, Britain's humanitarian prime minister has humbly acquired the mantle of statesmanship thanks to his fearless, timely concern for the lives of tens of thousands of innocent civilians.

"I appreciate that nobody has heard of this impending conflict in a distant corner of the world," Mr Brown told the nation. "There has been nothing in the media about it, and nobody seems to care enough to make a song and dance about it. But nevertheless I feel I should draw your attention to it before it really kicks off into something nasty. And I thought it would make a pleasant change from all this tittle-tattle about MPs' expenses, which everybody must be utterly bored with by now."

"We thank Gordon Brown for bringing this matter to people's attention," replied Sri Lanka's President Mahinda Rajapaksa. "Rest assured, this little spat will be resolved in a day or two."

"The guns and aircraft the British sold us are working really well, by the way," he added. "I'd recommend them to any third-world state with a pest-control issue. And don't worry about the cost! Just say the recession has given you a bit of a temporary cashflow problem, and let the British taxpayer pick up the tab under the UK government's splendid Export Credit Guarantee Scheme."