Monday, 9 March 2009

Jobcentres To Reassure Unemployed Mail Readers: Of Course You're Not Scrounging Doley Wasters Like Them

The government has announced a £40m package to help honest, hardworking middle-class people who read the Daily Mail and have lost their jobs through no fault of their own.

The scheme will ensure that decent folk are treated with the full respect to which they are entitled when they present themselves at their local Jobcentres, and not lumped in with the drug-addicted criminal retards commonly found slouching about such places.

Work and Pensions Secretary James Purnell told the press: "Nice people with a degree will be offered one-to-one interviews with personal advisors, invited to attend group sessions with people in similar circumstances and given tips on changing career."

When it was pointed out that this was no different from standard Jobcentre practice, Mr Purnell put a finger to his lips and said, "I know that, you know that - but Daily Mail readers desperately want to believe that Jobcentre staff regularly take horsewhips to the underclass, and who am I to spoil their illusions?"

After being taken aside by his minder and suspended upside-down by the testicles for a minute, however, the Employment Secretary rephrased his answer, saying: "No one will be getting help that is denied to other people. We want to make sure everyone looking for work has the skills and confidence they need to find a suitable job as quickly as possible."

Pressed to explain what the extra £40m would actually be spent on, Mr Purnell eventually admitted that discreet side entrances would be built onto Jobcentres, through which recently-dismissed white-collar professionals would be admitted by a smartly-dressed doorman, shown to a special reception area and offered refreshments before being apologetically asked by a grovelling PA if they wouldn't mind just signing this silly little chit and making an entry in their iPhone's scheduler for another visit in a fortnight, if it wasn't putting them to too much trouble.

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