Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Teenagers' Brains Not Programmed to Stop Wanking and Get Out of Bed, Says Controversial Head

Teenagers should be allowed a lie-in in the morning, according to a head teacher in Tyneside.

Dr Paul Strangelove, head of Monkseaton School, says that starting school lessons at 11am can have a "profound impact" on learning.

"Teenagers are wired differently from adults," he explained. "Adults' brains eventually adapt to cope with getting up in the morning, once they finally realise you can't really get away with drinking like a bastard until sunrise, every single night of the week, and expecting to go to work in the morning feeling like Einstein. But the mind of a teenager simply isn't capable of working this out, as it is totally preoccupied with imagining what sex is like."

Memory tests performed without anaesthetic on the school's pupils by Professor Pat Pending, chair of circadian pseudoscience at Bullnose College, Oxford, showed that students' brains worked better in the afternoon.

"I say that their body clocks shift as they begin their teens because they're biologically programmed to do so, and I'm a fucking Oxford don with a gown and all that," shouted the white-coated professor from his self-designed Convert-a-Car. "Anyone who says it just takes the lazy fuckers all morning to sober up is a dirty stinking paedophile who should be strung up by the goolies."

Dr Strangelove also cited evidence showing that rousing teenagers from their beds early in the morning resulted in abrupt mood swings, increased irritability, depression, weight gain, bum fluff and a tendency to worship Bob Dylan. When it was suggested that asking teenagers to do anything at all generally produced the same results, he grabbed a nearby bottle by the neck, smashed it against a table and challenged doubting parents to come on if they were hard enough.

This is not the first time that Dr Strangelove has made the headlines. Last year he carried out a controversial experiment at the school, in which unsuspecting victims with no prior experience of the GCSE science syllabus achieved 90% pass rates after only one hour's study, punctuated by short bursts of being forced to jump through burning hoops at gunpoint.

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