Sunday, 8 March 2009

Political Journalists Struggle Manfully To Keep It Under Control

TV and radio journalists have spent today fighting a losing battle against facial cramps, as the story about somebody chucking their custard over Lord Mandelson refused to go away.

Scotland Yard did its bit to extend the life of the story by arresting the protester, Leila Deen, today in her home town of Brighton.

"At the time we just thought it was a bit of harmless fun," explained DCI Savage of the Yard. "But then we saw John Prescott on the news pointing out that it was technically assault - which is a crime apparently, even if not perpetrated against an officer of the law while being forcibly restrained by six of us in the back of a van."

Lord Mandelson appeared on the Andrew Finmarr Show this morning, where the jug-eared giant of political journalism somehow managed to blurt out, "So, Lord Mandelson, which other politicians do you think people might want to chuck their custard over? Fnarr," before being overcome by a hysterical giggling fit.

As a red-faced Mr Finmarr repeatedly bit his fist, the Business Secretary replied that he was "slightly disappointed that some in the media just took her into their studios and started interviewing her."

Finmarr - by now sliding off his chair and turning purple - tried to suggest that this was in fact normal procedure when someone did something newsworthy; but his words were rendered almost unintelligible by a series of sobs, sniggers and gasps for breath.

Undaunted, Lord Mandelson added: "We do not live in a police state, and thank goodness for it." He was then knocked senseless by the boom mike, which the sound recordist had dropped in order to hold onto his splitting sides.

"Did you see that coming?" ejaculated the helpless, rolling Finmarr, before losing control of his bladder and turning hastily to the morning's papers in search of something absorbent.

Meanwhile, over on Sky News, Sunday Live presenter Adam Hardon was left doubled up and biting his thumb knuckle after Jacqui Smith told him with a straight face: "I don't think in a democracy where people are able to speak up that anybody should chuck custard over anybody in the street."

"So would it be all right, then, if I were to chuck my custard over you behind closed doors, Home Secretary?" sniggered Sky's senior news editor, with tears rolling down his cheeks.

Her ample cleavage wobbling with indignation, Ms Smith went on: "The protester was so busy chucking her custard she wasn't actually explaining what the point of her protest was."

To barely-stifled roars of laughter from the studio crew, the convulsed Hardon then offered to demonstrate to the buxom Home Secretary the extreme difficulty of concentrating on anything else whilst chucking one's custard - at which point the nation's screens went blank due to 'technical difficulties'.

Executives at BBC Parliament are said to be eagerly anticipating record audiences this week, with easily-pleased fans of the humble double-entendre set to engorge the digital channel's flaccid viewing figures for live mass debates from the Houses of Parliament.

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