Gordon Brown has announced exciting new plans to allow the public to give feedback on public services, saying it was wrong that online retailers like eBay and Amazon had "higher standards of transparency" than the police, councils, Jobcentres and health services.
In a newly-published document called "Working Together To Distract The Public From Anything That Matters", the Prime Minister admitted that the government has been "much too slow to make use of the enormous democratising power of information to make people feel important and think they might have some sort of choice when they haven't."
From this summer, people in England will be able to comment online about their woeful experiences at the hands of monopolistic public bodies, as if it will actually make any difference to anyone reading their 127-character rants.
"This will completely transform my life," said one easily-distracted member of the public. "If my home gets turned over, I will be able to go online right away and check which police force apologises in the nicest way about not being able to do very much about it, before I ring the local plods to ask for an incident number."
"Of course, I'm assuming the thief won't have nicked my laptop," he added.
A typical doley wastrel was overjoyed to learn that he could find out which Jobcentre had the least patronising attitude before signing on wherever he was told to, while a local householder said it would make all the difference knowing precisely what people thought of her local authority's recycling scheme before paying her council tax.
However, the Tories were quick to point out that Mr Brown had neglected to mention anything about inviting members of the public to rate the national government.
"The Prime Minister appears to have forgotten that there is already a system in place for this," he said. "But we haven't."