A new dawn is rising on the face of policing in the capital, following the appointment today of Sir Kim Stephenson-il as the new Metropolitan Police Commissioner.
Sir Kim fills the vacancy left by his predecessor and former boss, Sir Kim il-Blair, who presided over a hysterical reign of anti-terror which left the streets of the capital littered with the corpse of a Brazilian electrician. The former Sir Kim resigned in a huff after the dissident hero of the masses, Boris Johnson, let it be known that the two of them did not quite see eye-to-eye on one or two matters.
The new Sir Kim – who was the old Sir Kim’s deputy, and has been running the force in a caretaker role since his mentor’s demise – promises a refreshing change from the oppressive heavy-handedness of the past. Shortly after his boss flounced out, he was responsible for the storming of the office of the feared shadow immigration minister Damian Green - a move which brought new respect to the Metropolitan force for its tactful observance of the due process of law.
In the 90s Sir Kim held a command position in the Royal Ulster Constabulary - supporting innovative methods for rooting out terrorists, such as shouting ‘Hail Mary’ and seeing who crossed themselves. Later, during his time as Chief Constable of the Lancashire police, he also introduced new policing techniques from the US - believed to include racing round in red cars with zig-zag stripes, shouting ‘Freeze!’ and beating up black men in the street.
Sir Kim has also worked closely with the much-loved MI5 - the respected government department responsible for tracking dangerous terrorists and electricians and passing their details to the police so they can chase them through busy streets and shoot them safely in the head.
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