Barclays Solves Recession

Barclays Bank has found the solution to the credit crunch, applying a little-known economic management system known as ‘bullshit’.

The bank’s share price had plummeted in the last few days, as investors realised it was a bank. However, Barclays reacted swiftly by countering the sharp decline with an open letter to the stock market, in which large amounts of bullshit were deployed for maximum effect.

“Dear Investor,” ran the letter, “Barclays Bank is doing very nicely indeed, thank you very much, and of course we are going to make you an awful lot of money in the near future. There is no such thing as a recession - in fact, everything in the world is just fine. We repeat, everything is fine. Only a complete and utter idiot could possibly think otherwise. Love, Barclays.”

“I’m no idiot,” said pension fund manager Rob Blind on reading the bullshit letter. “I am paid lots of money to be very clever, and I have applied all of my legendary fiscal acumen to the contents of this document and decided to throw all your pensions into Barclays shares.”

When asked whether this was the same money that he had swiftly pulled out of Barclays on Friday, Mr Blind said, “It might be.”

“Look,” he continued, “The important point is that I am a highly-skilled financial analyst. I use my considerable talents to sample a broad basket of economic indicators, assessing the entire spectrum of potential risks and benefits that might accrue from a variety of possible courses of action. Using my godlike genius, I then look at what everyone else is doing, and do that. And everyone is saying, ‘I’m not an idiot’ and buying back Barclays shares. So when I came back from lunch on Friday and found everyone had sold their shares in Barclays, my skill and judgement told me: ‘Jesus Christ, Rob, you’d better do the same or you’re going to look a bit stupid.’ Similarly, when I strolled in after a lunchtime meeting with my headhunter and heard that everyone had bought into Barclays, I did the same. Unfortunately, due to external factors beyond human control which nobody could possibly have foreseen, the pension fund lost £30m as a result. But hey, that’s the stock market for you.”

“Don’t worry about your pensions, though, folks,” he added. “Barclays say there will definitely be jam tomorrow, and only a complete and utter idiot could possibly think otherwise. Look, it says so here in their letter. I’m an investment banker - trust me.”